John and Agnes – The 12 Days of Christmas
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. They are just darling but I must insist…you’re just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What’s with you and these fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep at night. IT’S NOT FUNNY……..So stop with the fucking birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking?!? It’s not enough with all those birds and the eight maids, but they had to bring their own goddamn cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And gawd – do they play. They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here this morning. The cows are upset, and they are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
You Rotten Prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing – although I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all day long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m siccing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten bastard.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
Taeker, Spredar, and Fokker
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction of course, was total. All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.